Talking about sex with children can be difficult for parents. Yet, having these discussions at an early age can make it easier to talk about sex as children grow into adolescents. Although we often think about the “sex talk” with kids to prevent negative outcomes, it’s helpful to also focus on positive sexual health. Talking about positive sexual health means helping kids develop a healthy understanding of sex and relationships.
As children grow, their curiosity about sex naturally increases. This curiosity often leads to conversations with peers, inappropriate jokes, and exploration of taboo topics. These behaviors are a normal part of sexual development. Parents can help their children by answering their questions in a way that is appropriate for their age and maturity level. Below we discuss a child’s development in three stages, showing how children’s understanding of sexual topics changes with age and what topics to discuss at each stage. It’s important to remember that a child’s developmental stage may not always be the same as their age, so it’s important to consider your own child’s development.
Early Childhood (Birth to 5 Years)
Answering Questions: Provide honest, age-appropriate answers to questions about sex, without too much detail. Provide information about appropriate behavior and boundaries.
Basic Vocabulary About Body Parts: At this age, children begin to learn about their bodies. Parents can teach them the correct names (e.g., penis, vagina) for private parts in a matter-of-fact way.
Body Autonomy and Boundaries: Parents can explain that private parts shouldn’t be touched or looked at without permission. Parents can also teach kids not to show their private parts to others. Teaching young children about “body autonomy” is important. Body autonomy means that no one should be forced into physical touch, whether it’s with friends, relatives, or strangers. Parents can suggest other options, like waving or high-fives. Parents can also support their children if they feel uncomfortable being kissed or hugged by others. Parents can introduce the idea of “okay” and “not okay” touches. For example, an “okay” touch is a nonharmful physical touch that is comfortable to the child and does not involve touching private parts. In contrast, a “not okay” touch makes the child feel uncomfortable or is unwanted or unpleasant. Teaching this difference helps children understand boundaries and empowers them to speak up if they experience inappropriate contact.
Parents can also teach children that their bodies are their own and that others’ bodies are their own. It’s important to encourage children to talk to their parents if they feel that someone touched them in a “not okay” way. Parents can also teach children that there is nothing wrong with saying “no” or “stop” in a situation if they feel uncomfortable.
Personal Hygiene: Teach handwashing and bathing of all body parts, including private parts. Parents should tell children not to share underwear or toothbrushes.
Middle Childhood (Ages 6-12)
Difficult Questions: Children in this age group may start to understand the connection between sex and reproduction. This can lead to more complicated questions about relationships. Advanced vocabulary (e.g., semen and ovum) can be used, as appropriate.
Love and Relationships: Parents can engage in discussions about love and crushes to help explain healthy relationships. Explaining how romantic relationships are different from friendships helps children understand emotional and physical boundaries. For example, talking about how to handle crushes and the importance of respect and communication creates a basis for understanding healthy romantic relationships.
Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: Parents may choose to introduce the topic of sexuality within the LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning) community. Parents can explain that relationships between adults do not depend on gender. This discussion helps children accept diversity.
Consent and Body Autonomy: Teach children to ask for permission before touching someone and to speak up when others touch them without their permission. Talk about the importance of verbal consent (e.g., clearly saying “yes”) and respecting others’ boundaries.
Ongoing Conversations: Parents should keep talking to their kids about sex. Create a supportive environment where children feel comfortable asking questions and expressing their thoughts and feelings. Talk about these topics often to help make sure that children understand them and get their questions answered.
Adolescence (Ages 13+)
Creating Open Communication: Regular, open communication helps to make sure that your child understands and feels comfortable asking questions. Encourage teens to ask questions and answer them honestly and without judgment. If you don’t know the answer, that’s okay. Be honest with your child when you don’t know the answer to their question. You can let them know that you will try to find the answer and get back to them Or, you and your teen can try to find the answer together. These conversations may be uncomfortable for both parents and kids. Be open to having these conversations in ways that are most comfortable for your teen. For example, some teens may be most comfortable asking questions about sex by texting. Others may be most comfortable while riding in the car or face-to-face (e.g., during a meal).
In-Depth Discussions: At this stage, discussions about sex can include information about sexual intercourse, pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), consent, and prevention. Have matter-of-fact conversations with your teen. This can make it easier for them to talk to you about their concerns or questions.
Consent: Tell your teens about the importance of verbal consent for each sexual interaction. Consent should never be assumed. Just because a sexual partner consents to one sexual act doesn’t mean they consent to all sexual acts. In addition, just because a sexual partner consents to sexual activity at one point in time doesn’t mean they consent to sexual activity at another point in time.
Prevention and Safe Practices: It’s important to talk with your teen about options for birth control and explain their effectiveness and limitations. It’s important to explain to your teen that condoms reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy.
Reduce Shame and Guilt: Talk to your teens about sexual development as a normal part of human growth. It’s helpful to try to avoid shame or guilt about sexual activity, including masturbation. Being open about discussing these topics can help your teen’s self-esteem and self-concept.
Spiritual and Cultural Ideas About Sex: Share your family’s spiritual and cultural beliefs while your teen explores and forms their own opinions.
Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: Parents can discuss sexual orientation and gender identity to create understanding and acceptance. Parents can encourage questions and give honest and supportive answers to help teens learn and grow.
Trustworthy Information About Sex: It’s important for teens to know where to find correct information about sex. For example, Go Ask Alice and Trustworthy Sites for Curious Teens are websites with trustworthy information about sex. Teens should be encouraged to check information they get from friends or from the internet.
Pornography: Teens may see pornographic material online, either by accident or on purpose. It is important for teens to know that pornographic material may not accurately show real-life sexual interactions. Also, pornography may give teens unrealistic ideas about sex and what men’s and women’s bodies should look like. Parents can also tell teens about the potential danger of porn addiction.
Additional Resources:
- When & How to Talk With Your Child About Sex
- Respectful relationships for pre-teens and teens
- National Association on the Sexual Behavior of Youth (NCBSY)
- If You Suspect a Child Is Being Harmed
- Teaching Sexual Health
- More Healthy Discussion Topics
- Go Ask Alice
- Trustworthy Sites for Curious Teens
Proper Citation for this blog post:
Sumpter, E., Chenneville, T., Azamian Jazi, E., (2024, September 20). Let’s talk about sex: Helping parents support their children’s sexual health. Retrieved from https://infoaboutkids.org/blog/lets-talk-about-sex-helping-parents-support-their-childrens-sexual-health/
