Learning that your child is intentionally hurting themselves can be scary, discouraging, and even frustrating. You may already know how important it is to connect your child with professional help. What else can you do? This blog post explores the role of parents and other caregivers in supporting a child who’s struggling with self-harm.
For more background on what self-harm is, including clarification of common risks and warning signs, please see our post on Talking to Youth about Self-Harm.
Four places to start when supporting a self-harming child:
- It’s important to take your child’s self-harm seriously rather than dismissing it as “harmless” or a passing phase. Limit access to sharp objects such as razors, sharp knives, and pencil sharpeners. At the same time, you don’t want to put your house on total “lockdown.” You want to make sure your child still has access to activities they can use to calm down or relax. Work together with your child’s mental health team to decide how extensively to modify your child’s environment.
- Work together with your child on ways to help them safely manage the feelings that are leading to self-harm. Offer ideas for how they can cope on their own. Include your child in discussions on any household expectations that might change, like access to electronics or other privileges. Ask for ideas on how you can best communicate when they’re overwhelmed. Although you can’t compromise on expectations directly related to their safety, do your best to listen and meet them where they are. Provide options and opportunities for them to stay involved with peers and activities.
- Notice and name your child’s emotions. Communicate directly that the emotions they’re feeling make sense to you. Your child is probably feeling overwhelmed. They may feel ashamed or discouraged. Do your best to avoid judging or punishing your child when they tell you about their difficult emotions or self-harm thoughts. Also, make sure you don’t avoid talking about the “hard stuff” or rush into encouraging positive thinking before they’re ready.
Here are some specific tips for talking about the emotions related to self-harm:
- Here are some examples about how to talk to your child about their self-harming thoughts: “It makes sense that you’re having those thoughts with all the assignments you have due this week.” Or “It sounds like you got overwhelmed after fighting with your brother.”
- You can communicate that you understand your child’s emotions without approving of self-harm or other emotional behaviors.
- If you’re not sure what they’re feeling, you can ask! Your child may also be unsure what they’re feeling. Other times, they may feel too overwhelmed to answer. In that case, feel free to offer an educated guess for them to respond to.
- Help your child see the connection between their emotions and healthier ways to feel better. You might say: “It was really hurtful when your friend said that to you. It sounds like your head is still spinning after that. Let’s see what we can try to take your mind off of that while you calm down.”
- Ask your child’s professional mental health team for any recommendations based on your child’s unique needs. You have an important role in your child’s care: providing emotional support to your child, helping coach them to use their coping skills, and doing what you can to keep them safe. Don’t be afraid to ask specific questions: the perspective you bring to the table as the parent is incredibly valuable. You are not alone in this journey, and you don’t have to be your child’s therapist. It’s natural to want to jump in and solve the experiences that are upsetting your child, but you don’t need to carry that burden alone.
Taking care of yourself
Research shows that parents deal with a range of emotions when their child is self-harming. These can include shock, anger, anxiety, guilt, and self-doubt. Families also deal with stress about arranging supervision for their child, figuring out transportation to appointments, and feeling socially isolated.
All of these reactions are normal and understandable. No one wants to see their child in pain, and self-harm can be especially upsetting. Just remember: your child’s ability to benefit from your support depends on how much support you have to give. The more grounded and supported you feel, the more available you’ll be for them.
Take time to reflect on your own strengths and needs in this moment. Each caregiver has unique and valuable skills to support their child. Maybe your strength is listening to them when they’re upset or staying level-headed under pressure. Maybe your strength is telling the right joke to lighten the mood and help them relax. Next, ask yourself what emotions you feel when you think about your child’s struggles. This can be as simple as taking time to journal before bed or having a conversation with another adult who knows you well. This will help you determine what types of support will be most helpful to you.
Reconnect with your support systems. When you’re focused on taking care of your child, it’s easy to lose sight of your personal friendships and relationships. Be intentional! Set a time for a phone call with a family member, schedule coffee with a friend, or plan to chat with your partner over ice cream. Ask yourself in advance what you need from these interactions, whether it’s a fun distraction, advice, or a shoulder to cry on. Give your support person a heads up of what to expect.
Consider seeking your own professional help. Adding another set of appointments to the calendar can feel extra difficult when you’re already juggling your child’s appointments. Many parents feel hesitant to get their own help when their child is struggling, saying their own stress isn’t as “important.” Finding your own therapist or doctor can help you make sense of your own emotions and coping strategies. It’s also an easy way to show your child that asking for help is normal and okay.
Conclusion
Remember: while it’s impossible to do everything “just right,” you have the chance to have a significant positive impact on your child when they’re struggling with self-harm. Your steady, consistent support can be a beacon of hope in this tough time.
Proper Citation for this blog post:
Hodgson, C.G. (February 12, 2026). Youth Self-Harm: The Role of the Caregiver
https://infoaboutkids.org/blog/practicing-acceptance-when-raising-a-child-with-complex-medical-needs/
