It can be challenging and confusing to know how to support grieving children in school– especially because every child grieves differently. This article provides tips for school staff, parents, community members, and others involved in the lives of grieving children.
What can grief look like in school?
Grieving children often feel, act, think, and interact with other people differently. These reactions can affect their learning and relationships with peers and teachers. Grief reactions may happen right after a child experiences a loss or sometimes weeks to months following the death of a loved one.
Challenges that children may experience include:
- Having trouble paying attention
- Being easily distracted
- Pulling away from others
- Not participating in class as usual
- More missed school or refusing to go to school (the student may have stomachaches and headaches before or during school hours)
- Poorer work quality and dropping grades
- Poorer memory and lowered interest in completing assignments
- Separation anxiety or being “clingy,” especially at drop-off times
- Anger & aggression, such as rough play, using unkind words, talking back, and not listening to directions
- Acting younger than their age, such as bathroom accidents, thumb-sucking, and whining.
- Sleep problems. Younger children may struggle during naptime at school due to fear of the dark or being left alone.
- Increased effort/trying too hard. Younger children may believe if they make no mistakes and behave really well, their loved one will come back to life.
- Acting as the adult. Teenagers may take on responsibilities that reflect more of the teacher role in the classroom.
How can teachers help?
- Before the child’s return to school, the classroom could send a card to show support and love to the grieving child.
- Provide a safe space for children to talk about death and loss in the classroom.
- Prepare other students on the best ways to speak with their grieving friend when they return.
- Work with parents and caregivers to make a support plan for when the child returns to school. This may include taking a break from the classroom, engaging in a calming activity, and supporting the child when feeling a big emotion.
- When a child returns to school, show that you are aware of the student’s recent loss and show support. Start the conversation with, “How are you doing?” and listen to the student’s response.
- Show that many emotions are normal. For example you might say, “Many people feel lots of emotions when a parent dies, and emotions often change throughout the day. What emotions are you feeling right now?”
- Students may choose to not share about their grief. Continue to support them. Allow the student to come to you when they are ready.
- Remember special dates, anniversaries, and holidays. Know how these dates affect the child. For example, plan a different activity for the grieving child to do when the classroom is creating “Happy Father’s Day” cards if the child’s father has died. It may be helpful to give choices between two activities for the entire class so the grieving child does not feel alone.
- If needed, find extra resources for the student, such as check-ins with a school counselor, psychologist, or social worker. These professionals may be able to work with you and give ideas for supporting the student.
How can parents help?
- Plan a meeting with the child’s school team before they return to school.
- Tell the teacher how the child typically behaved before the death. This can support teachers in understanding if or when a student’s difficulties are getting worse. It can also help them better use students’ strengths. For example, a parent might say “She typically enjoys school and loves playing with friends. Ever since her grandmother died, she has been more down. I think returning to playing with her friends will help her feel better, but she might seem more shy than usual. She might need extra support.”
- Keep “goodbyes” positive and short. Show them that you feel calm and relaxed about time apart during the school day.
- If you are running behind for school pick-up, call the school to let them know you may arrive later than expected.
- When children want to stay home from school due to new aches and pains, try saying: “I know that your stomach is really hurting you at school. Sometimes I have butterflies in my stomach when I am worried too. What are some ways that you feel emotion in your body?” Then, practice calming activities with your child (e.g., deep breathing).
How can peers help?
- Many peers have never supported a friend who is grieving. They may also feel unsure and scared of someone special in their own life dying. They may pull away from their grieving peer, ask repeated questions about death, be insensitive, or even tease the child.
- If the grieving child feels nervous/worried, identify a study buddy or a special friend to help them settle back into school.
- Some ways for peers to talk about grief include:
- “I am sorry to hear your father died. I am always here if you need a friend to listen.”
- “Would it be helpful for us to talk about your sister? Or would you rather play basketball right now?”
- “I loved your mother’s cookies. She was so nice to us when you had us over for sleepovers. I wonder if the next time we have a sleepover, maybe we could make her special cookies together.”
- “I can tell you’re having a hard day. It’s okay to feel sad and angry about what happened.”
- “Your grandmother would be so proud of you for earning an A on your test. You worked so hard for this.”
https://grievingstudents.org/
Nacg.org
https://infoaboutkids.org/blog/helping-children-cope-with-grief/
Proper Citation for this blog post:
Tager, J., Fisher, R., Jackson, K., & Schaefer, M. R. (2024, June 28). Supporting grieving children at school. Retrieved from https://infoaboutkids.org/blog/supporting-grieving-children-at-school/
